Speaker 4 0:04

Welcome to her time to Talk. I'm Megan Clark, a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Her Time Therapy, a group practice dedicated to supporting women's mental health. This podcast is for women by women, and is all about creating a safe place for our experiences, amplifying our voices, and empowering each other with the knowledge to improve our mental health.

Speaker 0:28

welcome back to her time to talk. Today we are here with Lurah Patrick, to talk about the holidays and the holiday stress that a lot of us are feeling. they're often painted as a time of joy, but this can bring up a lot of stress, especially for women as well. This can bring up family tension and emotional exhaustion from the extra responsibilities women carry to make the holidays happen.

Speaker 2 0:53

The holidays can bring out the best and worst of everything. Our love for connection and the pressure to get everyone else happy.

Speaker 0:59

Yeah, that is a lot of pressure. Other people's happiness and making sure that the joy is there. so for people who maybe haven't listened to your last podcast with us, where you talk about perimenopause and menopause, can you just take a moment and introduce yourself again?

Speaker 2 1:13

My name is Lurah Patrick and I am a graduate student intern with her time therapy. my background is working with vulnerable at-risk youths in my practicum, and now I am able to pursue my passion, which is helping women through transitions in life, whether that's menopause empty nest syndrome, getting a new job, discovering their values who they are and rediscovering their identity.

Speaker 1:39

That's big work and this is a very timely season to do it since the holidays wrap up the year and launch us into that new season where we think about reflecting on the year and the transitions that maybe have come or those that we are looking forward to. to dive right in here, I would love to hear, from your perspective, why do you think the holidays tend to be such a stressful time for people and for women in particular?

Speaker 2 2:02

the holidays expose pretty much every part of our nervous system. There's financial pressure, social expectation, the grief of people who aren't here with us anymore, and the unspoken rule that we should feel joyful even when we're completely depleted. It's a lot. And our bodies know that you might notice it in your shoulders, your stomach, your breathing, that quiet tightening that says something's off. And when Old family dynamics resurface and mix with exhaustion, it really is the perfect storm. So you might feel overstimulated or on edge, but it doesn't mean you're broken or ungrateful. It just means you're human and your nervous system is doing its best to keep up with all the signals it's receiving your body, mind, and emotions are begging you to slow down, notice what's happening, and remind yourself that you can approach the holidays differently now with more awareness, more compassion, and a lot less pretending.

Speaker 2:58

you mentioned a lot of the challenges that come up during the holidays, and some big ones that stand out to me are grief. grief of, losing an actual loved one who maybe is not here for the first time this holiday season, or even, 10 years down the road. the loss of my mother is something that I still feel even more acutely during the holiday season, and there's a lot of rituals and things I need to lean into to allow my grief to have a place but not. Also overshadow the entire holiday season. 'cause that wouldn't have made her happy either. So I know that balance of grieving, whether it's a loss of a person or maybe a loss of a job, which a lot of people are experiencing this holiday season because of the political economy and everything going on in the world right now. There's All kinds of loss that we are sometimes grappling with that tends to get heightened in this season. But you mentioned other, common challenges that are heightened during this moment as well. And I'm wondering if we can lean into some personal experience that you've had

Speaker 2 3:55

for years I put on an everything's fine face at the holiday gatherings. Even when it wasn't, I'd smile through the tension, make sure everybody else was comfortable, and keep the peace at all costs. Looking back, I can see that my people pleasing wasn't just a habit, it was a survival skill. It was how I stayed safe, how I avoided conflict, and how I made sure that I was feeling accepted. now with age and hopefully a little bit of wisdom, I've started to create simpler holidays, smaller circles, slower rhythms, a lot more honesty. instead of trying to meet everyone's expectations, I ask myself what feels nourishing to me this year? Sometimes that means skipping a big dinner or saying no to an invitation and where that used to feel like failure. Now it feels like freedom. the holidays can stir up a lot of old patterns, especially for those of us who grew up managing other people's emotions and expectations. this season I'm reminding myself that peace isn't about pretending everything's okay. It's about building moments that actually are.

Speaker 4:58

Yeah, I love that way of looking at how do we turn this season into one of freedom rather than obligation When as women, we have so much on our shoulders in terms of, planning that holiday party and making that Halloween costume for the kiddos and just doing all this extra stuff on top of all the things we already handle and feel exhausted by. So it can definitely feel more like. The trappings of responsibility rather than a season of freedom and joy. I'm definitely hearing in your experience that you used to say yes to a lot of these things and overburden yourself, and now you're making some different choices. what would you say is a choice this holiday season that you're making that's different than when you were younger or in a different season of life?

Speaker 2 5:44

Well, now I don't have to manage my children, so that makes a huge difference. I used to find it almost all of the holiday gatherings. I somehow by default became the nanny at the event. my kids are grown now. I don't have that responsibility any longer, and I now have the luxury of perspective. I feel comfortable saying no.

Speaker 6:05

I'm sure that was a hard fought level of comfort. What would you say to women that are finding themselves in that place now of being the automatic caretaker of the children and having shame or guilt coming up when they want to say no, but it really doesn't seem like an option? How do they do that without just waiting for their kids to grow up?

Speaker 2 6:28

You need to be able to set boundaries without guilt. boundaries are an act of kindness. it took me a long time to figure that out. they're not walls, they're invitations. And what they're really saying is, I wanna stay connected with you, but I need to feel safe while I'm doing it. that's a really important distinction, especially around the holidays when old dynamics get loud. Boundaries aren't about pushing people away. They're about creating enough space for the relationship to actually breathe, if guilt shows up, which it probably will, just remember that's an echo of old conditioning. Maybe it's that old voice that told you that you had to keep everyone else comfortable to stay loved. Maybe it's the part of you that confuses self-care with selfishness and guilt. Doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It often just means you're doing something differently.

Speaker 7:18

Yeah. This is actually a great opportunity and a great season to practice boundaries intentionally, and I always like to remind our listeners and clients that boundaries are not about trying to control what other people do. It's about your behavior and your responses. To what other people do. So it's not about telling them, you can't do this because this is a crossing of my boundary. It's if this is what you are choosing to do, then I am going to do this. And really sticking to what you say and maybe removing yourself from that situation that feels unhealthy or exhausting to you.

Speaker 2 7:54

The more consistent you are with those boundaries, the more others will begin to adjust. And it might take time, but you're basically teaching them how to love you in a sustainable way. You're also teaching your nervous system that it's okay to choose peace and, it's not withdrawal, it's wisdom.

Speaker 8:10

That's very well said. it's needed this year more than ever because it feels like the world's getting more and more chaotic. the holidays are a time where families come together in the same space that are maybe not. In person throughout the rest of the year. this year there's a lot of stress coming up, in therapy sessions with clients talking about, I don't know if I should go to Thanksgiving or not. I don't know if I should see my family or not this year because it may just be too much. there's a lot of worry around being able to handle some really heated political or personal conversations that feel just too overwhelming. So how do we handle and prepare for that?

Speaker 2 8:48

First you have to decide what you don't have to engage in. You don't owe anyone a debate or an emotional performance. You can simply say, that's an important topic, but I'd like to keep today a little bit lighter. That's it. You don't have to explain it, and you don't have to defend that boundary. If things start to turn tense, just give yourself permission to pause, step outside. Take a few deep breaths, go pet the dog, help in the kitchen. Anything just to change the energy of the moment. that can be a really skillful choice to make. Protecting your peace doesn't mean that you're avoiding the truth. It just means you're choosing timing. not every setting is safe or ready for the deeper conversation, and that's okay. You can hold your truth, honor your boundaries, and still choose calm. That's really what emotional maturity is.

Speaker 9:37

Yeah, and I think this is a great time to remind people that boundaries sometimes means removing yourself from a situation or not being there in the first place. You get to spend the holidays, wherever is going to bring you authentic joy. You don't have to be in a family gathering unless that is a situation that can bring you something positive. So maybe part of this too is giving ourselves permission to opt out I can have my own personal plan in place for how I'm going to respond if X person says this thing that is going to be intentionally upsetting to me. I can choose to leave at any point, or I can choose not to engage at all. And we're not advocating to avoid difficult conversations by any means, but it's a matter of looking through the potentials and coming up with. Your layers of boundary setting and how you honor those at all levels, whether you're deciding to be there and engage, whether you're giving yourself an out, even if it's just a break, like going to pet the dog and spend some time outside or not going in the first place for personal reasons. You are allowed to do what's right for you. So with Thanksgiving right around the corner, this is another area where we see a lot of strife come up during therapy sessions around gratitude. there's a lot of valid reasons why people may not feel. Very thankful. We have the stress over some food insecurity healthcare costs that are rising, the inability to access some of the therapy care that is needed. And a lot of that fear tends to come up and be heightened during the season. So when we are hitting this holiday that literally is focused on gratitude it can sometimes feel forced. how would you navigate that with clients how do we balance that gratitude with having it tip over into that toxic positivity territory?

Speaker 2 11:33

the first thing to keep in mind is that gratitude doesn't erase pain. It sits beside it, I really had to learn there's this cultural messaging that we should just be grateful. I often hear people say, yeah, but you know, at least I'm not in a war zone. And, that's true, but you're still suffering and trying to get through some very difficult moments. So it's not as if gratitude is going to cancel our grief real, genuine, authentic gratitude isn't a coverup, it's a companion. you can hold both, you can say I'm upset and I'm angry, and I'm also grateful for the wonderful things I do have in my life. this year is hard, but. I've made it this far. those truths can live side by side.

Speaker 12:15

Absolutely. That's a really important perspective to hold when we are seeing our news feeds and social media feeds being inundated with images of genocide and all of these horrific things happening around the world and yeah, that's a really good check that, yeah, I'm really blessed and lucky not to be in a war zone right now. Pain is a universal concept. It's not a competition and saying, at least I'm not fill in the blank. can sometimes be used as a way to dismiss the pain that still is present. Just because someone else has it worse doesn't mean that you aren't also in pain of your own variety. So I think it is that important balance between. Honoring and validating the pain that you happen to be in, while also being thankful for the good things that you have in your life and maybe some of the privileges that you are, having access to right now. to help people establish that balance as we get closer to Thanksgiving What would you say, Lurah? Are some small, realistic ways to cultivate gratitude even when life feels overwhelming and there is pain happening too.

Speaker 2 13:19

keep it simple, especially when life is so hectic. I don't think gratitude has to be profound or poetic. It just has to be noticing. So just one sentence a day, maybe that's all you need. I'm grateful for my warm cup of coffee. I'm grateful for my dog's fuzzy little butt. I'm grateful I don't have to see this person for another year. Whatever it takes.

Speaker 13:40

Those are great I love that. And it can also be balanced. It's okay to say I am really overwhelmed at work today, and I'm worried about my healthcare premiums doubling next month, and I love my home and I love that I get to snuggle up to my dog and I have a partner that I get to see when I come home from this overwhelming job. That kind of balance and that fluidity between, I'm gonna honor and validate some of the negative emotions I feel with the intentionality of turning my mind towards the good things to balance. It is really a healthy dynamic to oscillate in and out because it's when we tend to get. Stuck on one end of those extremes that is a marker of that distress. That duality and that flexibility can actually be a sign of really good health and resilience.

Speaker 2 14:28

Both pain and gratitude can share a place at the table this time of year.

Speaker 14:32

Yeah,

Speaker 2 14:33

absolutely.

Speaker 14:35

So as therapists, we're always gonna talk a little bit about self-care and how to manage stress because, that's our cornerstone, right? Life is stressful, so therefore we need to build up our toolkits and always, be looking at which. Self-care and stress management techniques work through different seasons. From your experience, what would you say are some simple self-care practices that help women to manage that holiday stress and all the extra things that we tend to juggle during this season?

Speaker 2 15:03

This time of year especially, just keep it simple. It can be grounding breaths or stepping outside or saying no. it's less about bubble baths and massages, and more about micro moments of awareness. Just, taking a minute and asking yourself, what do I need right now? And then giving yourself permission to meet that need.

Speaker 15:22

What do I genuinely want right now?

Speaker 3 15:25

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:25

Who do I want to be around? What's gonna really bring me joy versus what is society or family telling me I should want and what I should do with my time?

Speaker 2 15:36

That's an important point. Ideally, you need to create boundaries around your time and energy. I tell a lot of my clients, in addition to scheduling things in your calendar that you have to do, you should schedule moments of peace. if you schedule the white space in your calendar like any other appointment. just put it in there. When someone asks for your time, you can say, let me check my schedule and then actually check it. don't look just for the empty blocks, but look for how you'll feel that day. Do you have a big meeting that day or a tough conversation or a social event? If you know it's gonna be a tough day, then the white space that you have in there might be what you actually need to keep. You can protect your recovery time as fiercely as you protect your commitments.

Speaker 16:23

That's important advice. I agree throughout the entire year, but especially during the holidays. that's a great practice to get into, even on a weekly basis, is to look one week ahead in your schedule, on your calendar and evaluate. Do I have balance? is each day overpacked with appointments and obligations, or is there time for rest built in each day? Is there time for getting a healthy meal? Is there time for some movement? Is there time for all the self-care activities in there? Not just the obligations. I've also seen some clients use their favorite color. Let's say it's pink, they'll block off their personal time, their unallocated time and pink so that it does show up as an appointment. But it is an intentionally unscheduled block of time where they have a moment that day to ask themselves, what do I Genuinely need to put in that time right now. Do I wanna go to a yoga class? Do I wanna sit and read a book? Do I want to take that bubble bath? That way you have the flexibility to actually attune to your body that day and honor it because you have that time blocked off in advance.

Speaker 2 17:33

I love that. it reminds me of, you know, sometimes in relationships you schedule date night because otherwise you'll never See your partner in a romantic way. schedule a date with yourself.

Speaker 17:41

That's such a good point too. And that has to be intentional. Our relationship with ourself is the relationship number one. 'cause all the rest of our relationships are not gonna flourish unless we're good with ourselves. And that speaks to this message we're trying to say here: saying no, holding your boundaries, planning out your time. It's not selfish. It's actually a kindness because it allows you to show up to the things you do, choose to show up for. In your fullest best self. we've talked about some key challenges here around, grief showing up about the difficulty having some heated conversations politically About the time struggle and how to work in self care. Another challenge that tends to come up for women is financial strain. 'cause we are planning big dinners. We're planning out gifts for the Christmas season holiday parties secret Santas for your colleagues. There's a lot of things that can pull on. Our resources financially. I'm wondering how you've navigated that in the past as a woman, and what advice you may give some of your clients on how to not let the holiday season overwhelm them financially.

Speaker 2 18:47

to managing expectations both for yourself and The people who are going to be sharing the holidays with you. remembering that it really is the human moments, the actual experiences that you'll remember more than whether or not you got this person some fancy gift or wonderful cuts of meat For the holiday table. As you approach the holidays, if you know your circumstances are a little bit depleted this year, just communicate with everyone and say, you know what? Let's come up with a potluck idea. With the people that you love and you make that an experience that you can all share and enjoy because you're not alone. Everyone is struggling this time of year. Remember that when you see those wonderful, social media feeds with everybody looking perfect and, matching holiday pajamas that's their highlight reel. It's not necessarily their day-to-day life. So just communicate with the people that you love from a place of honesty and truth and compassion for yourself and for them. And then just enjoy each other.

Speaker 19:52

Yeah, that's a beautiful message, and speaks to the bigger point here, it's not about fulfilling everyone's expectations. It's not about the tangible gift that you give. It's also about taking care of yourself so you can show up fully and authentically to the things that you're there for, and creating the experience that is gonna make people feel good and feel loved because you're able to be there. Fully and in that joyous state, which does require things like boundaries and self care and saying no to some of those other things. And letting go of perfection. So true. So I know we've talked a lot about different challenges that usually come up during the holiday season, but we've really only touched the tip of the iceberg here. So to keep this conversation and support going, I know you have something really great planned. I'm hoping you can tell our listeners, Lurah, a little bit more about your holiday stress workshop coming up.

Speaker 2 20:48

I am hosting a holiday stress workshop. It's designed to help you map out a personal plan for the season, including setting boundaries, managing expectations, and protecting your piece. It's going to be interactive and supportive. We'll do some role plays and you'll leave with tools you can use immediately. It's designed for anyone who feels like the holidays are a pressure cooker for them, especially women who carry the emotional weight of everyone else. it's also a great place for people navigating grief, family conflict, or just burnout.

Speaker 21:21

This is a free workshop that anyone can log into and attend online. This is one of those easy to access self-care opportunities that allows you to become grounded and think about the big picture and make a plan. Thank you so much for being on the podcast today, Lurah, and giving people some great things to think about as we get into this holiday season. I look forward to seeing all of the great things in your workshop.

21:48

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